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Death remains a difficult word to pronounce and a reality to accept. It always leaves us with a profound emptiness inside, and teaches us the importance of life and its true meaning. Death plunges us into excruciating sadness and unbearable pain. It’s hard to come to terms with losing someone. And memories are the only way to relive the good times. Every smile, every gesture, every word, every look, every hug remains in our hearts forever.

Berth Jessie Isaac, 20, lost her father at the age of 14. A pupil in the 9th year of primary school, this dramatic loss left a void of fatherly love that saddened her, especially when the other children were accompanied by their fathers on their way to school. Jessie spent a good part of her teenage years living with this bitterness.

“It wasn’t easy. I was young, of course, but I couldn’t accept losing my father. We had more of a father-daughter relationship. Tragically, he left just a few days after my birthday and on the eve of the start of the new school year. It affected me morally,” recalls Jessie Isaac in a voice tinged with sadness. Suddenly, I was going backwards at school. Fortunately, my mother had to support me through this difficult ordeal. Indeed, the whole family hoped that one day he would recover from his illness. He was suffering from kidney failure. Today, I still have fond memories of him.”

The loss of a loved one can have psychological as well as physical consequences for your health. The departure of a loved one is a difficult ordeal. It’s best to let your grief run its course, and go through each stage of mourning as healthily as possible. Grief that is repressed or filled with obstacles can have repercussions that go far beyond mere emotional discomfort, according to the psychologists interviewed for this report. Grief can affect mental health in a number of ways: stress, fatigue, sleep disorders, anxiety, lack of energy, depression; increased muscle or joint pain, digestive problems, dizziness, palpitations, aggravation of skin problems (irritation, eczema).

This was also the case for Patricia Nhorma Nohavah Paul, a law graduate at the National Diplomatic and Consular Academy (ANDC), who lost her aunt in July 2016. What was strange was that she left after a day spent with her family, with her face full of life. Looking very sad and with trembling hands, Patricia relives some of the moments she spent with her dear aunt. “Psychologically, we weren’t prepared for such an experience. She wasn’t suffering from any illness. The pain was even more terrible. You just can’t get over the loss. There are times in life when we think back to my aunt. If she were here, the situation would be easier to handle. But alas! So far, it seems difficult to accept it, and mourning is a way of life,” she says with much regret.

The after-effects of such a tragedy

According to psychologist Ruth Dorméus, we can try to survive because this option no longer makes sense to the victim’s loved ones. Grief is real because the loss is real. Grief happens in a moment, but its consequences last a lifetime. Each loss leaves its own mark, as distinctive and unique as the person we’ve lost. Surviving this heavy grief, accepting the death and learning to grieve is one of life’s most painful challenges.

“You can try to overcome these trials after losing a loved one by giving yourself time, don’t be in too much of a hurry to grieve, it can be particularly damaging. Try to accept that this person is no longer part of this world, try to accept the pain, talk to people who understand you and share your grief, this may free you, say what you feel. Don’t stop living, and don’t blame yourself. Seek help,” advises Ruth Dorméus.

Il est difficile pour l’esprit et pour le cœur d’accepter la mort sans un corps

Without the actual presence of the dead person’s body, the process of saying goodbye will take longer and be extremely difficult to accept. Seeing the body helps us understand that death is a normal stage of mourning. People need to see. But when we don’t see, we don’t know, we imagine how she died, and this is how moments of anguish and nights of nightmares came about.”

Evangelical singer Rachelle Geffrard, whose older sister died in the January 12, 2010 cataclysm, is still recovering from the close friendship she and her sister enjoyed. “I’ve come to accept it. After 11 years, I still feel her presence. What was even more tragic was that her remains were never found. And that makes it seem as if she died twice. But her body could well help us to relive one last moment together,” laments Rachelle Geffrard.

According to psychologist Ruth Dorméus, it’s hard for the mind and heart to accept death without a body, but it’s also harder without ritual and ceremony. “Seeing the body of the deceased allows loved ones to reassure themselves. We like to keep a good memory of someone. A dead person in a coffin gives the impression of sleeping peacefully, and this reflects a soothing image in our minds. To relieve this pain, loved ones can look directly or via video to see the rubble. They can also collect the clothes and a few photos, put them in a coffin and organize a farewell ceremony,” explains Ruth Dorméus.

The specialist goes on to suggest a number of steps that can help you survive. The first is denial. That is, learning to accept that the person isn’t coming back. This time, he didn’t make it through. With each realization of the truth, you begin to climb the mountain realizing that she really is gone. By accepting the reality of the loss and starting to ask yourself questions, you unconsciously begin the healing process. “Anger is a necessary step in the healing process. Be ready to feel your anger. The more you really feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the faster you’ll heal. There are many emotions underneath anger,” she emphasizes.

Another step she suggests is acceptance. This involves accepting the reality that the loved one is physically gone, and that this new reality is permanent. The psychologist offered a few tips to help loved ones cope with this transition period: Don’t hesitate to talk about what you’re feeling; choose confidants who are good listeners and interested in what you’re going through; read about grief and its different stages; allow yourself to experience the emotions inherent in mourning. If talking about what you’re going through is difficult, write, she says. You can even write a letter to the deceased.

Ruth Dorméus believes that the best way to get through bereavement is to live your emotions and be well surrounded. “Don’t stay in the shadows and use the resources around you. If you think grief is affecting your health, don’t delay in consulting a mental health professional. Although it may seem hard to imagine, time softens grief, especially for those who work at living it healthily. Gradually, grief gives way to happier memories,” concludes Ms. Dorméus.

Death is life’s most difficult and unacceptable trial. Absence brings questions and distress. Relationships with people come to a sudden halt. Depression invades, sadness, the realization, the presence of our feelings, the memories that make us suffer, and definitively every day is an ordeal to face.